Bye, Bye Hams; Hello Hips: A Complete Guide to the Hips and Thighs of Your Dreams

Nana - Dreams
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Well the first time I seen darling Corey She was standing by the sea Had a forty-four strapped across her bosom And a banjo on her knee. Wake up, wake up, darling Corey What makes you sleep so sound? The revenue officers are coming Gonna tear your still house down. Go away, go away, darling Corey Quit hanging around my bed Bad liquor ruined my body Pretty women gone to my head. When you go down in Deep Elem just to have a little fun Have your ten dollars ready when that policeman comes. When you go down to Deep Elem put your money in your socks Them Deep Elem women they will throw you on the rocks.

Well, I had a good little woman, and I taken her to the fair, She would have won the premium, but she had bad hair. I sure wish someone would tell me what Diddie Wah Diddie means! Ran to church put my hat on the seat, Ladies said sugar daddy you sure is sweet!

I wish somebody would tell me what Diddie Wah Diddie means! I wish someone would tell me what Diddie Wah Diddie means! I had a man, who was long and tall He moved his body like a cannon ball Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well. I remember one evening in the pouring rain And in my heart there was an aching pain Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well. One more kiss before I leave you One more kiss before we part You have caused me lots of trouble Darling you have broke my heart. Dooley was a good old man, he lived below the mill Dooley had two daughters and a forty gallon still One gal watched the boiler the other watched the spout Mama corked the bottles when old Dooley fetched them out.

Down in the valley valley so low Hang your head over hear the wind blow Hear the wind blow dear hear the wind blow Hang your head over hear the wind blow. Roses love sunshine violets love dew Angels in heaven know I love you Know I love you dear know I love you Angels in heaven know I love you. Build me a castle forty feet high So I can see him as he rides by As he rides by love as he rides by So I can see him as he rides by. Write me a letter send it by mail Send it in care of Birmingham jail Birmingham jail love Birmingham jail Send it in care of Birmingham jail.

Down in the willow garden where me and my love did meet There we sat a—courting my love fell off to sleep I had a bottle of burgundy wine which my true love did not know And there I poisoned that dear little girl down by the banks below. I drew my saber through her which was a bloody knife I threw her in the river which was an awful sight My father often told me that money would set me free If I would murder that dear little miss whose name was Rose Connelly. Now he sits by his old cabin door a wiping his tear—brimmed eyes Mourning for his only son out on the scaffold high My race is run beneath the sun the devil is waiting for me For I did murder that dear little girl whose name was Rose Connelly.

Now down the road just a mile or two Lives a little girl named Pearly Blue About so high and her hair is brown The Prettiest thing boys in this town. Now old man Flatt he owned the farm From the hog lot to the barn From the barn to the rail He made his living by carrying the mail. As I went down to the river to pray Studying about that good old way And who shall wear the starry crown Good Lord show me the way. Why meet a terrible fate. Mercies abundantly wait. Tell me pretty mama where did you sleep last night X2 She said none of your business baby, if I do you right.

Oh her hair was dark and curly And her cheeks were rosy red On her breast she wore a lilly Where I longed to lay my head. Broken bottles, broken plates, broken switches, broken gates Broken dishes, broken parts, streets are filled with broken hearts Broken words are never meant to be spoken, everything is broken. Told me early fall, you never had no man at all Fare thee, baby, fare thee well Told me early fall, you never had no man at all Well you got more men than a two ton truck can haul.

Told me this early spring when the birds began to sing Fare thee, baby, fare thee well Told me early spring when the birds began to sing Well this the last chance, kid, to be round here with me. To lie down to lie down To lay down to lay down Find me a place to lie down Have a feast here tonight while the moon is shining bright And find me a place to lie down.

Here she comes, look at her go There she goes, eaten that coal Watch her fly, look at her sail, Let her by, by, by, the Fireball Mail. Let her go, look at her steam, Here the low, whistle and scream Like a hound dog wagging its tail, Let her by, by, by, the Fireball Mail. Watch her swerve, look at her sway, Get that curve out of the way Watch her fly, look at her sail, Let her by, by, by, the Fireball Mail. When I was just a baby my mama told me. But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die When I hear that whistle blowing, I hang my head and cry..

Chorus: I traced her little footprints in the snow I found her little footprints in the snow I bless that happy day when Nellie lost her way For I found her when the snow was on the ground. I dropped in to see her there was a big round moon Her mother said she just stepped out but would be returning soon I found her little footprints and I traced them in the snow I found her when the snow was on the ground.

Chorus: She walks through the corn leading down to the river Her hair shone like gold in the hot morning sun She took all the love that a poor boy could give her And left me to die like a fox on the run Like a fox, like a fox, like a fox, like a fox, on the run. Chorus: Oh, give me back my five dollars I paid for a wife I was a fool to pay someone to sentence me for life. Now when you see me coming Better raise your window high And when you see me leaving little girl Hang down your head and cry. Tell me why that you do not love me Tell me why that your smile is not bright Tell me why you have grown so cold—hearted Is there no kiss for me, love, tonight.

All of my friends that I loved yesterday, Gone home they have gone home x2 The songbirds that sing in the dell seem to say, Gone home they have gone home x2. Charlotte Town is burning down, goodbye, goodbye. Burning down to the ground, goodbye, Liza Jane. Liza Jane had a dress of red, goodbye, goodbye, Queen of hearts, or so she said, goodbye, Liza Jane.

Take a chaw of tobacco, spit on the wall, goodbye, goodbye, Swing that gal clear across the hall, Goodbye Liza Jane. Too many rocks and too many logs, x2 Too many rocks to catch a ground hogs , Oh, ground hog. Out come Sally with a snigger and a grin, x2 Ground hog gravy all over her chin, Oh, ground hog. On the Tombigbee River so bright I was born In a hut made of husks of the tall yellow corn It was there I first met with my Julia so true And I rowed her about in our gum tree canoe. Well I wish was in London Or some other seaport town Step my foot in a steamboat And sail the ocean round.

She went to church last Sunday She passed me on by I knew her mind was changing By the roving of her eye. Chorus: Hard hearted heart breaker Dream stealer, love maker Hard hearted heart breaker How many hearts have you broken today How many hearts have you broken today. How many lives have you caused to go wrong How many hearts have been broken in two Just because your heart has proved untrue How many lies have you told other guys.

Hard TImes, come again no more. Hard Times, come again no more. Woke up this morning, happy as could be Looked out my window, and what did I see? I started out younger at most everything All the riches and pleasures, what else could life bring? Chorus: High on a mountain top wind blowing free Thinking about the days that used to be High on a mountain top standing all alone Wondering where the years of my life have flown.

As I looked at the valleys down below They were green just as far as I could see As my memory returned, oh how my heart did yearn For you and the days that used to be. It makes no difference where I wander You never seem to leave my mind Your face is always there before me I think about you all the time. Yes sir. Chorus: Hot corn cold corn bring along the demijohn 3x Fare thee well Uncle Bill pretty girl see you in the morning. Well yonder comes the preacher and the children are crying 3x Chickens necks a wringin and toenails a flying yes sir.

One likes ham and the other loves gravy. Yes sir! Had a little dog and his name was Ned He run that chicken til he fell dead He got choked on old cornbread Sure am sorry that dog am dead. Oh, I never never never can forget that day when you called me baby. Have you seen my baby, baby. Chorus: Get down boys, go back home Back to the girl you love Treat her right, never wrong How mountain girls can love.

Riding the night in the high cold winds On the trail of the old lonesome pine Thinking of you, feeling so blue Wondering why you left me behind. Remember the night me strolled down the lane Our hearts were gay and happy then You whispered to me as I held your close You hoped this night would never end. I got a mother, a sister and a brother Who have gone to that sweet home And I am determined to go and see them, good Lord Over on good Lordy over on that distant shore.

One day I went out walking, walking down Johnson street I met a little old lady, she smiled at me so sweet Said hello my honey, how are you today Just as I started to kiss her, these words I heard her say. Next day I went out walking, walking down Johnson street I met the same little lady, she was dressed up so neat She smiled at me and said hello, how are you today Tipped my hat and said hello and journeyed on my way.

Just like a blind man I wandered alone Worries and fears I claimed for my own Then like the blind man that God gave back his sight Praise the Lord I saw the light. Well I wonder how the old folks are at home I wonder if they miss me while I roam I wonder if they pray for the boy who went away And left his dear old parents all alone. Chorus: The rain is cold and slowly falling Upon my window pane tonight And though your love seems even colder I wonder where you are tonight. Then came the dawn the day you left me I tried to smile with all my might But you could see the pain within me That lingers in my heart tonight.

I will pawn you my watch, I will pawn you my chain I will pawn you my gold diamond ring I will wash all your clothes, I will scrub all your floors If that will get my baby out of jail Yes, warden, you know I want my baby out of jail. Then I heard the warden say to the lady old and gray I will send your baby boy to your side Those wide gates swung wide apart, she held her darling to her heart She kissed her darling boy and then she died But smiling in the arms of her boy there she died. I will wash all your clothes, I will scrub all your floors, If that will get my baby out of jail.

When those gates swung wide apart she held her darling to her heart. She kissed her baby boy and then she died. Yes warden, in the arms of her dear boy there she died. Back in the days of my childhood In the evening when everything was still I used to sit and listen to the foxhounds With my dad in the old Kentucky hills. Bridge: She got great big legs, pretty teeth and I love her little dimpled chin Golden hair, what a smile Oh, what a mama she has been.

Now, will she let me? A rifle on my shoulder, six—shooter in my hand; Oh Lord, I been all around this world. Lulu, my Lulu come and open the door. Oh Lord, I been all around this world. Mama and Papa, little sister makes three. A rifle on my shoulder, six shooter in my hand; Oh Lord, I been all around this world. When buddy flowers lend their fragrance in the springtime I recall the roses training round your door Fancy then I homeward stay I seem to hear you say That you love me as you did in days of yore.

In the Bible we read of a city, With the streets that are paved with pure gold. We shall live in that city forever. And there we shall never grow old. Chorus: In heaven will never grow old, In heaven will never grow old, We shall live in that city forever, And there we shall grow old.

In the Bible we read of a river, That flows by the throne we are told. In this world they were hungry and cold, But have reached their harbor in safety, And there they shall never grow old. Chorus: In the pines, in the pines, where the sun never shines And you shiver when the cold wind blows Whoo whoo hoo hooo………. Whoo whoo hoo hooo………. In the pines, In the pines, Where the sun never shine I shivered the whole night through. I never get lonesome Cause I treasure my own company. To me she was my little angel Sent down to me from God above When on that day when I first met her And I told her of my love.

Howard And he laid poor Jesse in his grave. Now Jesse went to rest with his hand on his breast The devil upon his knee he was born one day in the County Clay And he came from a solitary race. Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want Wooo… call him up and tell him what you want. Yeah, he will come in a hurry, just tell him what you want I said he will come in a hurry, just tell him what you want Oh he will come in a hurry, just tell him what you want Oh, call him up and tell him what you want.

Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want Jesus is on the main line, just tell him what you want Oh, call him up and tell him what you want. Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want Yeah, Jesus is on the main line, just tell him what you want Jesus is on the main line, just tell him what you want Ooh, call him up and tell him what you want.

Oh my, oh my, oh my, what if it was true? And oh my, oh my, oh my, tell me is it true Did He, did He, did He die upon that cross? And did He, did He, did He come back across? Chorus: Jesus walking on the water Sweet Jesus walking in the sky Sinking sand He took my hand He raised me up and he brought me up I can hold my, my, my head high. Will I, will I, will I be true to my birth? Oh yes sir, yes sir, yes sir, I come when you call And yes sir, yes sir, yes sir, Jesus, my all—in—all.

John Hardy stood in that old barroom So drunk that he could not see And a man walked up and took him by the arm He said Johnny, come and go along with me Poor boy Johnny, come and walk along with me. John Hardy was a desperate little man He carried two guns every day He shot down a man on the West Virginia line You ought to seen old John Hardy getting away You ought to seen old John Hardy getting away.

John Henry had a little woman Her name was Polly Anne John Henry took sick and was laid up in bed While Polly handled steel like a man, man, man Polly handled steel like a man. I wish I had some sticks and poles To build my chimney higher Cos every time it rains and snows It puts out all my fire.

So to the jail they took poor Katy Daley And pretty soon the gates were open wide Angels came for poor old Katy Daley Took her far across the great divide. Howard Entwisle , popularized by Carter Family. Though the storm and its furies rage today Crushing hope that we cherish so dear The cloud and storm will in time pass away And the sun again will shine bright and clear. Troubles and trials are almost over X 3 See what my lord has done Keep your lamp trimmed and burnin X 3 See what my lord has done. Many are gone but not forgotten X 3 See what my lord has done Keep your lamp trimmed and burnin X 3 See what my lord has done.

Keep your lamp trimmed and burning X 3 See what my lord has done Keep your lamp trimmed and burning X 3 See what my lord has done. As I sit here alone in the moonlight And I can see your smiling face And I long once more for your embrace In that beautiful Kentucky waltz.

Caught in the act by that little old wife of mine. Old Red howlin up at the moon Old Red howlin up at the moon Took off runnin, and he treed him a coon. The gun says boom and coon says zip The gun says boom and the coon says zip Old Red grabbed him with all his grip. Watch the curves, the fills, and tunnels Never falter, never fail Keep your hand upon the throttle And your eyes upon the rail. Chorus: Blessed Savior, Thou will guide us Till we reach that blissful shore Where the angels wait to join us In that great forevermore.

Chorus: Little birdie, little birdie Come and sing me you song Got a short time to stay here And a long time to be gone. For the married man he sees trouble And the single boy sees none I expect to live single Til my days on earth are done. Chorus: Oh, someone has taken you from me And left me here all alone Just to listen to the rain beat on my window pane In our little cabin home on the hill. Now come and listen to my story A story that I know is true A little rose that bloomed in Georgia With hair of gold and a heart so true.

We often sing those songs together I watched her do her little part She smiled at me when I would tell her That she was my sweetheart. When I went to see her she met me at the door; Her shoes and stockings in her hand, and her feet all over the floor. When I went to see her she wrung her hands and cried; She swore I was the ugliest thing that ever lived or died. I ask little Liza to marry me. What do you reckon she said?

Said she would not marry me If everybody else was dead. Whisky by the barrel sugar by the pound, A great big bowl to put it in and a spoon to stir it round. You can climb the cherry tree and I will climb the rose; How I love that pretty little gal God almighty knows. Oh how can I ever stand it Just to see them two blue eyes A shining in the moonlight Like two diamonds in the sky. Last time a saw little Maggie She was sitting on the banks of the sea With a forty—four around her And a banjo on her knee.

Pretty flowers were made for blooming Pretty stars were made to shine Pretty women were made for loving Little Maggie was made for mine. All around this wide country the winter it has now begun. Now is the time to slip away from the California sun. Now winter is nigh let us fly to my log cabin home in the sky. Now there comes a time to every man when he must turn his back on the crowd. When the glare of the lights gets much too bright, and the music plays too loud. When a man must run from the deeds he has done, recalling those days with a sigh, Now winter is nigh let us fly to my log cabin home in the sky.

Chorus: She walks these hills in a long black veil She visits my grave where the night winds wail Nobody knows, no, and nobody sees Nobody knows but me. The scaffold was high and eternity neared She stood in the crowd and shed not a tear But sometimes at night when the cold wind moans In a long black veil she cries over my bones. You start your jaws a—wagging and it never stop You never shut your mouth until I blow my top. I told ya a million times how I Love you. I tucked the kids in bed, heh!

Collins weep, Mrs. Collins moan What made her son Louis leave his home? Angels laid him away. Chorus: Angels laid him away Laid him six feet under the clay Angels laid him away. When they heard that Louis was dead All the women folk they dressed in red Angels laid him away. Bob shot one and Louis shot two Shot poor Collins, shot him through and through Angels have laid him away.

What have I ever done to you That you treat me like you always do Will you leave me here to grieve my soul With love gone cold. Two trees on a hillside of the mountain Always looking up towards the sky Remind me of my papa and my mama Who lived there eighty years before they died. Now a bright moon is shining in the valley An old wagon leans against a stack of hay Two graves on a hillside by the cabin My mom and dad are resting there today.

The burning of the green wood on the fireplace The fallen snow around the red bud trees The branches of the laurel by the creek bed And the rippling waters of the gentle stream. Papa used to talk about the young days When he and mama first were settled there He spoke about the love of the mountains That he and mama shared together there. Chorus: Make me down a pallet on your floor, 2x Make me a pallet down soft and low, Make me a pallet on your floor. Come all you good time friends of mine, X2 Come all you good time friends of mine.

Where are all them good—time friends of mine? You can bury me in some deep valley For many years where I may lay Then you may learn to love another While I am sleeping in my grave. Help me, information, more than that I cannot add Only that I miss her and all the fun we had But we were pulled apart because her mom did not agree And tore apart our happy home in Memphis, Tennessee.

I got a little gal that wears her hair up high, the boys all whistle when she walks by. Tenbrooks was a big bay horse he wore that shaggy mane He run all around Memphis he beat the Memphis train Beat the Memphis train O Lord beat the Memphis train. Tenbrooks said to Molly what makes your head so red? Out in California where Molly done as she pleased Come back to old Kentucky got beat with all ease Beat with all ease O Lord beat with all ease. One time I even put my body up for sale.

But nobody had a dollar they want to throw away.

DJing Discussion

Bye, Bye Hams; Hello Hips: A Complete Guide to the Hips and Thighs of every woman's body that she pays special attention to is the region around her hips. Bye, Bye Hams; Hello Hips: A Complete Guide to the Hips and Thighs of Your Dreams eBook: Lynn Pierre Jones Jr: Kindle Store.

Well, my old aunt June bought some brand new perfume If had such a sweet smelling pew But to her surprise when she had it analyzed It was nothing but good old mountain dew. My aunt Lucille had an automobile, It ran on a gallon or two. You take a little trash and you mix it up with ash, And you throw in the soul of a shoe, Then you stir it awhile with an old rusty file, And they call it that good old mountain dew.

Woke up this morning with light in my eyes. Must be those strangers that come every night Those saucer shaped lights put people uptight Leave blue—green footprints that glow in the dark I hope they get home all right. Chorus: Hey, Mr. Oh in dreams I see my darling In a gingham dress she looks so sweet Oh I long for old Kentucky And my darling was more to me. I got on a city bus and found a vacant seat, I thought I saw my future bride walking up the street, I shouted to the driver hey conductor, you must slow down, I think I see her, please let me off this bus.

Chorus: Nadine, honey is that you? Oh, Nadine. Honey, is that you? Downtown searching for her, looking all around. Saw her getting in a yellow cab heading up town.

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She move around like a wave of summer breeze, Go, driver, go, go, catch her balmy breeze. Moving through the traffic like a mounted cavalier. Leaning out the taxi window trying to make her hear. For fear the hearts of men are failing, For these are latter days we know. This dark hour of midnight nearing And tribulation time will come. The storms will hurl in midnight fear And sweep lost millions to their doom.

Whoa death someone would pray Could you wait to call me another day The children pray the preacher preached Time and mercy is out of your reach. In death I come to take the soul Leave the body and leave it cold To drop the flesh off of the frame The earth and worms both have a claim. My mother came to my bed Place a cold towel upon my head My head is warm my feet are cold Death is a movin upon my soul. Oh the young the rich or poor All alike to me you know No wealth no land no silver or gold Nothin satisfies me but your soul.

Well, I had an old dog and his name was Blue, Had an old dog and his name was Blue. Now, Old Blue died and he died so hard, He shook the ground in my back yard. So I dug his grave with a silver spade, Lowered him down on a golden chain. Every link I did call his name…. Richard: Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?


Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos. Lorelai: [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes. Rory: It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies. Jess: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors. Michel: Look, I've had my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner.

And usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui. Lorelai: It means like, Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody. Rory: Well what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut? Lorelai: I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. Lorelai: [to Rory] I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on. Rory: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.

Lorelai: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay. Lorelai: I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter. Lorelai: When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.

Lorelai: I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider. Lorelai: I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta. Lorelai: Hey Mom.

You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky? Lorelai: Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay Burger boy, dance. Lorelai: Yeah. I have, like, 6, pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-Mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on I'm behind, and I'll probably fail and then that little year-old annoying gnat who sits behind me will get another 'A' and make that 'I'm smart you're dumb' fact to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry.

Lorelai: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process. Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Funny, funny word. Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already.

Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:. Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis? Lorelai: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing Jess: Yeah women right, can't live with 'em can't stop them from jumping in closets Rory: Yeah, as obvious as a man wearing sunglass with a dog selling pencils Lorelai: No. Absolutely not.

And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer. Richard: Oh, people die, we pay. People crash, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay. Lorelai: Oh no. No no. I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner. Luke: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no. Lorelai: Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only 2 or 3 crack heads at the most, they eat all the good cereal. Lorelai: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?

Luke: When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show. Lorelai: Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time. Lorelai: You don't need shoes. In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes. Lorelai: Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof, I'm stealing that baby out from under you. Rory: You have nothing better to do all day, then sit around and watch a dance marathon?

Jess: Do you have anything better to do all day, then sit around and watch a dance marathon? Rory: I am dancing, I can not control where my glance goes, and when I can control it, my glance goes to Dean. Jess: You mean you can't control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him.

Lorelai: No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton. Lorelai: Be good. Make sure you look in somebody's sock drawers. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers. Jackson: To hell with the contest, I'm leaving as long as it's all right with Lorelai and Luke and that strange man in the corner who I never met before. Hello strange man in the corner is it okay if I quit this contest.

Lorelai: You saved me, I love you, I want to have your baby Oops too late. Sookie: No, I mean it. It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes. Lorelai: Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy. Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end. Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation.

I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

I Miss My Dog: Has Grief for a Dog Who Died Ever Overwhelmed You?

Lorelai: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon. Lorelai: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke. Rory: What are you gonna wear? Ooh, you should wear your dress with the ponies on it, I bet he likes ponies.

Lorelai: "Hello, headmaster Charleston, this is my stepdad, Kirk. Try not to make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter! Rory: [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed. Lorelai: Wow, you're pretty, you're smart. Now all you need as a drunken relative behind the scenes embarrassing you with every move they make.

Rory: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it? I want you to come over here to this dresser, open up the top drawer and take out everything that you'd be embarrassed to be wearing during a car accident. Meet me downstairs. Lorelai: I thought inviting those girls out would make things easier for you at school. Richard: When you came to my fraternity in that blue dress, I had no choice. Richard: If my wife wants the first cup of tea, she is going to get the first cup of tea. Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.

Luke: This is Liz's kid, Jess. Jess, this is Mia, Lorelai's boss, she owns the Independence Inn. Lorelai: No, though I did imagine at least 20 different ways to remove your head from your body. Lorelai: No, you know what hurts. Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head. Emily: I'm sure he would have appreciated having his life's work honored like that. Rory: [to Lorelai] What am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you. Richard: How's he supposed to Lorelai: Okay, see, last night when I said to you: "Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven," what I actually meant was: "tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up seven, in case, when seven comes, I actually wanna get up.

Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of Lorelai: I do know that Istanbul is Constantinople. So, if you have a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul. Lorelai: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time - maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.

Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait Reverend: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God. Rabbi: Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card. Rabbi: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious?

Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials Jess: Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know? Lorelai: All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved. Lorelai: Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit. Luke: Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you? Lorelai: Hey, maybe that's the Town Loner's point. That, like, he's protesting man's inability to communicate by not communicating and getting us all to talk about communication.

Luke: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier. Luke: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together. Lorelai: Oh yeah. Luke: You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together. Luke: Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles. Lorelai: Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?

Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets. Lorelai: [to Luke]I've seen you swimming at the lake so I've seen you with your shirt off. Lorelai: How 'bout collage, can we say collage? Lorelai: Okay, good, 'cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage. Dean: And what was going on at that town meeting, all that stuff about writing a song? Dean: And it had nothing to do with me?

Well, I must have imagined it all, then. Your boyfriend is waiting. That's just great! Rory: But he took them and he wouldn't give them back. Please, just tell me why you're here. Lorelai: Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

Lorelai: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story. Emily: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you? Emily: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man - so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store.

The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family.

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He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that? Luke: Thank you for not being related to me. Michel: I don't know if anyone has noticed, but suddenly I am the only one working. Kirk: Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me.

I didn't even ask for it. Kirk: But I'm loving it. And look, I've been mixing black ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy-tasting bacon. Rory: Hi, I'd like a large caramel macchiato with an extra shot and whipped cream, please. Lorelai: You want to devil-egg Jess' car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry? Rory: Because it's active. It's aggressive. It's destructive, but not too destructive. I don't know Emily: You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.

Lorelai: Oh, honey, do you have time to do that and prep your Thanksgiving food? Lorelai: It's like super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window? Lorelai: Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys. Lorelai: Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue's the new red. Kim: Watch it. You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces.

Lorelai: No, I mean my premonitions have been about death Lorelai: In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream. Rory: And in your premonition you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on earth? My whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.

Lorelai: Now if that's how I go, you have to promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak. Sookie: You called me! You kept me on the phone for over an hour. Lorelai: Sookie. Look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Hitler for example. The Bin Ladens could have watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. No way. You're going to be a great parent.

Paris: I think it's good to be adopted. If you get sick of them, you just dump this set and go find the originals. Emily: How nice. I'll just put it in the kitchen next to my half-empty box of Cheer. Lorelai: I do respect the rules of your diner. It's that baseball cap I have issues with. Michel: Yes, this place is impressive,isn't it? I mean, the uniform alone And these headsets, are they not fabulous? Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom, a place one would normally choose to be alone.

Then suddenly How delightful. You can never get lonely. Michel: And the people who work here. A joy. So young, so talented. Some of them are actors in ambitious off-Broadway reviews. They play cockroaches and derelicts, do Shakespeare dressed like punk rockers.

It gives me chills just thinking about it. Luke: Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood. Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter, surly killjoy. Rory: They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell. Lorelai: Come on, Rory. We will be going to dinner there next week and every week for the rest of our lives. And I mean the rest of our lives, because my parents will outlive us.

The damned can do that. Rory: [when Paris suddenly appears in front of Rory] God, you're like a pop-up book from hell! Lorelai: Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She's just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, "Now no one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me! Kirk: [Kirk runs into Lukes Diner yelling] My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore! Luke: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep.

Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean. Luke: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up. Luke: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission.

And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with Tess. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the Hummel. Emily: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.

Emily: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up. Luke: Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed to be? Lorelai: Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono. Lorelai: All right, let's go eat Lorelai: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, 'cause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.

Lorelai: Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving. Lorelai: Uh oh. Jackson's got that panicked "my girlfriend wants me to get married" face on. Lorelai: Yes, and the lesson we have learned from that is you should never become a spy. Michel: A group of scientists did a study on rats where they cut their daily calories by thirty percent.

Lorelai: You know how on All in the Family when Edith would be yapping about something and Archie would pretend to make a noose and hang himself or shoot himself in the head? Lorelai: I don't know. Something about this moment just made me think of that. Rory: Okay, I am planning this wedding without you. You will have no say and I may not even let you come. Lorelai: Oh yeah, Mom, you didn't have to. Unless you got something that'll fit me too, in which case, good going. Lorelai: I don't know honey. Maybe you'll have to give up your dream of majoring in logging.

Lorelai: 'Mom, I'm getting married. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it.

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And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again. Lorelai: I would reconsider calling Dean. It's not his fault that you're so fabulous he can't think about anything else. Lorelai: I mean, he just sits in his room, eating Froot Loops out of the box, saying your name over and over and over. Lorelai: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you. Lorelai: [attempting to be scary] You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy.

Rory: I have never seen Grandma so singularly obsessed about a piece of clothing. Rory: [Paris is looking over Rory's shoulder while she's reading] Paris, please don't compare our reading times again. You're fast, I'm slow, enjoy your trophy. Lorelai: [Rory wants Lorelai to have a separate dinner with Emily while she has a dinner with Richard] Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much, and, as far as I know, he thoroughly enjoys the way I dress. Max Medina: I don't know if you've realized, but every gift so far has been for you. Rory: Kind of? You did everything but tie a string with you at one end and the Statue of Liberty at the other.

Lorelai: Hey, I'm gonna find a ladies room. You know, sneak a smoke, see if anybody slipped an aspirin in my coke. Lorelai: That means that almost everyone who ever went to Harvard is dead now. Are you sure you still want to go here? Lorelai: Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if you're gonna build a moat around the diner but Lorelai: Luke, the kid needs a bed.

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If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde. Lorelai: Okay, don't concentrate too hard. Boys like 'em dumb, right Jackson? Lorelai: Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face. Lorelai: You know, if I was in a rock band touring and stuff, I'd make the bus driver stop at every Haden's Nut House we pass.

Lorelai: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them. Luke: This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.

Lorelai: As soon as they both get tired of saying 'No, you're prettier' to each other, then the night's over. Lorelai: Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor. Christopher: No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times. Kim: [to David, in response to his request to take Lane to the prom] "Let never day nor night unhallowed pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.

Dave Rygalski: I stayed up all night. I read the entire Bible cover to cover.

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Kirk: Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. I took this as a sign from her. Oh her hair was dark and curly And her cheeks were rosy red On her breast she wore a lilly Where I longed to lay my head. My cell phone bill is astronomical. Blues in a bottle, stopper in my hand. Charlotte Town is burning down, goodbye, goodbye.

I don't know what it means. Dave Rygalski: You have to tell me what it means.


Is it "yes? I don't even know why, but I I can't. Kim: It's Shakespeare. Hevry VIth. I like to goof off now and then too, you know. Kim: That is a very difficult thing to do, reading the Bible in one night. I myself have only done it three times. You need great determination and excellent light. I'm very impressed. Rory: Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society.

Kirk: Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse. Lorelai: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives. Lorelai: Ugh, Rory, my brain is full. It has reached capacity. It's Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. It's cramped and girls are screaming and I think George is fighting with Ringo.

Rory: I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down. Lorelai: Yes, I left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb. Lorelai: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills Richard: Lorelai, this is just beautiful. It's like something out of Architectural Digest. You should be very proud. Lorelai: Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas. Lorelai: They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them.

They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles. Lorelai: I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner. Lorelai: Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers, and there are like fifty open tables. Lorelai: Okay, I'm just gonna let everyone deal with all this because I need to relax and get a cup of coffee and maybe hammer a nail into my head.

Emily: You're not needed here, Lorelai. Go get your coffee, relax. You're going to redo your makeup later, aren't you? Emily: At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are, he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also. Emily: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings.

You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available? Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him and you say Lorelai: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters. Luke: [to Lorelai] I will never, under any circumstances, no matter how short a dress you put on, go back to Al's Pancake World ever, ever again.

Luke is already in his suit and complains that his pants are wrinkled]. Lorelai: Hey, stop being such a nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like? Luke: Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy? Lorelai: Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls. Taylor: First protest, now vandalism.

Makes you think about leaving this town. Rory: I'm not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Lane: Oh my God, you guys walk fast. I've been chasing you for the past two blocks. Lorelai: I told you I wasn't just being paranoid. Maybe next time you'll take me seriously when I tell you furniture moved itself.

Luke: Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets. Lorelai: I think I've already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours. Lorelai: Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I've ever known. Child, what be your name? Michel: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that. Lorelai: [laughing] Oh no - not being attacked by a band of swans.

Was it an all-boy band? Jess: I can't concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear. Rory: But we want to be spontaneous. Jump a train to Paris, head off to Spain. Lorelai: Oh no, it's raining in Spain. But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain Lorelai: Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall? Lorelai: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning.

You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name. Paris: Because people like you. You're quiet. You say "excuse me". You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning.

Lorelai: There are many paths in life. There's the "Hey, you're cute, sure, I'll marry you after graduation and med school" and the "Can you drive Susie to soccer today, 'cause I've got a pediure? And then there's my path, where I found myself 16 and pregnant and I realized "I have to get a job, I have to raise a kid and being me, I have to do it all by myself. But the thing with my path was, when I reached the end, I turned around and realized I'd ended up someplace really good.

Paris: I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.

Paris: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced. Lorelai: Date her, marry her, make her Mrs. Backwards baseball cap. See if I care. Rory: I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who knows it. Luke: Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life.

For God's sake, he's even selfish in death. Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I would've loved to have those baseball cards. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him. Kirk: You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want. Paris: I didn't get into Harvard. Luke: I'm closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip. Luke: We're driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska. Lorelai: [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it.

I'm lookin' for some heroes. Kirk: If you'll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes. Kirk: And whimsical. They say to the world, "I'll take my mail with a smile. Kirk: And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I'll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.

Lorelai: Wow. That's quite an offer, Kirk. But I think it's a little early to pick a mailbox. We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet. Kirk: Yes, it is. I'm a fan and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in. Jason: And trust me: nothing bonds two businessmen together more than one of them finding the other hungover with a hooker in their bed the next morning. Lorelai: Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting these parties on.

And you put her out of work. You know that; your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these functions away from her. What would she have left? Luke: I don't even like kids. They always have jam on their hands. Even when there isn't any jam in the house, they get jam on their hands. I can't deal with jam hands. Rory: Janet's out jogging so I don't know what she thinks, but I have to hope she's pleased 'cause that girl's in shape and can kick my butt.

Lorelai: Well, just make sure there's something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over. Sookie: A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you. Lorelai: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with.

They're like golden retrievers. Sookie: You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors. Lorelai: It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up.

Lorelai: All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned. Rory: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey? Rory: You were at a caf? Rory: I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.

Rory: [on why she doesn't want to date Trevor] He carries a bottle of water around with him all the time. That's weird. Lorelai: Uh huh Lorelai: Well I'm a leftover girl.